New Everton signing Denis Stracqualursi has been in the British media banging on about how he can emulate countryman Carlos Tevez's time in the UK. By this, he meant something about scoring a bunch of goals and generally being regarded as a tidy player, but he should be careful how he says such things as Tevez hasn't exactly made himself popular with large sections of Britain's football public.
Here are 10 ways that Denis Stracqualursi could but probably shouldn't emulate Carlos Tevez.
10. Think that his agent has his best interests at heart rather than an already well-stuffed wallet.
9. Refuse to learn English.
8. Relegate Sheffield United.
7. Take months to score his first league goal.
6. Dive into the crowd on scoring that goal like he's just won the World Cup or something.
5. Piss off to Tenerife at every given opportunity, and some that aren't.
4. Bring club, league and game into disrepute with unresolved third-party ownership issues.
3. Impress potential future employers by scoring against them on the last day of the season.
2. Agitate for a move at every sodding transfer window before pledging allegiance to the club when no move arises as the window closes.
1. Feck off across the city to Liverpool at the first opportunity.
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